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HIS AND HERS AT THE ATM MACHINE
From: Jaina Ford - Fort Worth, Texas

HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

5. Drive away

HERS:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Back up and pull forward to get closer

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.

9. Enter PIN

10. Study instructions.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. Stop

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Drive 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

You make the bed..................................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1

You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty..................0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra light panty liners with wings....................+5

But return with beer .........................................-5

You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5

You pummel it with a six iron................................+10

It's her father..............................................-10

You stay by her side the entire party.....0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy....-2

Named Tiffany...................-4

Tiffany is a dancer.............-6

Tiffany has implants............-8

You take her out to dinner..................................0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1

Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal .........................................-5

And the pal is happily married ............................-4

Or frighteningly single ...................................-7

And he drives a Mustang...................................-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15

You take her to a movie.........................................+2

You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4

You take her to a movie you hate...............................+6

You take her to a movie you like................................-2

It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3

Which features cyborgs having sex...............................-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy

Hawaiian shirts .......................................-30

You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5

You hesitate in responding.....................................-10

You reply, "Where?".............................................-35

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression.....................0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time, all your weekends, and what do you get in the end? I think that the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live for twenty years in an old-age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch; you go to work. You work for forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You go to college. You party until you're ready for high school. Then you go to grade school. You become a little kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back to the womb. You spend your last nine months floating. And then you finish up as twinkle in somebody's eye.
-- Anonymous.

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before .... but as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine for 20 percent transfer. The husband was still feeling fine so the doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to go for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain ..... she and her husband were overjoyed .... when they got home, they found the mailman dead on their front porch.

3rd RUNNER UP -- The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If 20 consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh his car and invest in erl wells.

"2ND RUNNER UP-- The "Why Yawning Is Contagious" theory. You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalance other people's ear pressures, so then they must yawn.

1ST RUNNER UP-- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER - When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

Room Service:; "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

RS :; "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny!; Djewish to odor sunteen??"

Guest:; "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS:; "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled; please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine"

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G:"What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G:; "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know; what; 'judo one toes' means."

RS:; "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish; mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it!; You were saying 'Toast.'; Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS:"We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS:"Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease; baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,; and; copy....rye??"

G:; "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjuwberrymud"

G : "You're welcome"