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Aggie
From: Peter B. Paxson - Ingleside, Texas

These three Texans go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and say's "Well, I'm a fighting Texas A&M Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you are the dumbest Mexicans I've ever seen. Hell, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

Two guys are bungee jumping one day. The first guy says to the second: "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?"

A man was walking on a CA beach and found an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting sick of these wishes so you can forget about 3. You only get one wish!" The man thought about it and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and get seasick, so could you build me a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish, this one is too hard." The man thought and finally said, "I've been divorced 4 times and my wives all said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I WISH I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', know how to make them truly happy. That is my wish." The genie said, "You want that bridge 2 lanes or 4?"

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!

"A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go in, so I ran over him."

"I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"I saw the slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path, when it struck my front end."

AND MY MOST FAMOUS WAS:

"I hit the building because I had to turn my head to see if the oil barrel I just hit was ok."
Boo

For the readers benefit... This last one is real. I was in the car with Jaina, attempting to teach her to drive, when she hit the barrel and the building   =:-0...jf

The other day I went into the local religious book store, where I saw a
"honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the
back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting
experience followed!

I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of
the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper
sticker really worked! I found lots of people who loved Jesus..

Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the
Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus
Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with his
shouting, "Go Jesus Christ Go."

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and
smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida
back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny
beach", and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up
in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant, they squirmed, looked at
each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so
I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car and
yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like
"mother trucker" or mother from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He
must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to
pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I
stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver
to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I
leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian
good luck sign and I drove away.

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today. Little Johnny says to himself "good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asks, "who said "Four Score and Seven Years Ago"?. Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie says "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher says "That's right Susie, you can go home. Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first. The teacher asks another question, "who said "I have a Dream"? Again before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary says "Martin Luther King". Teacher says that's right Mary, you can go home. Johnny was even madder than before. The teacher then asks, who said "ask not what your country can do for your"? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy says , "John F. Kennedy". Teacher says right Nancy you can go home. At this point Johnny is BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer any of ? the questions. Then the teacher turns her back and Johnny says "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and says to Johnny, "who said that?" Johnny replied - "Bill Clinton, can I go home now?"

====

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He says, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jesus, honey...remember last week when I went to the track ? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with the frying pan again.

He says, "What was that for ?"

She says, "Your horse called."

On a diner's billboard: "Eat here or we'll both starve."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On maternity ward door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

In a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

In another butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a used-car lot: "Second-hand cars in first-crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At a dry cleaner's: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you would pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a beauty shop: "Dye now!"

On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."