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Rita Rudners Rules About Men
From: Traci Walter

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear into the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

Two Priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back as Priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first Priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," said St. Peter, and, "POOF," the first Priest is gone
The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this new action on Earth 'count' on my Heavenly tally?"
"No, son, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing this time around."
"In that case," says the second Priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud!"
"So be it," said St. Peter, and the second Priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two Priests.
"Will you have any difficulty locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"Near as I can tell, he's on a snow tire, somewhere in a North Dakota blizzard."

1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

2. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

4. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

5. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

10. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

11. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

12. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

13. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

14. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

15. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

16. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

17. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

19. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

20. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

22. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

24. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

26. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

27. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

28. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

29. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

31. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

32. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

33. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

34. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

35. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

36. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

37. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

39. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

40. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

41. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

42. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.

43. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

44. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

45. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.

46. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

47. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.

48. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

49. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

50. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

51. Spacecraft in outer space will make a great racket and explode with a bang, vacuum or no vacuum.