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In the Beginning God....
From: Norman Commo - Rockport, Texas

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And  the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of  thedeep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than  this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.  And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and  the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And  Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man  in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the  fish of the sea, and over the fowl of theair and over the cattle, and over  all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the  Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he  them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and  fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this  game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and  spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and woman  would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And  McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said  to Man, "You want fries with that?"And Man said,"Supersize them." And Man  gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman  might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth  chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy  fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman  gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought  forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained  10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went throughthe roof.

And God  brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra  pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man  would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And  Mangained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the  score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally  low in fat and brimming withnutrition.

And Satan peeled off the  healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat  fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.And Man clutched his  remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan  saw and said, "It is good." And Man went intocardiac arrest.

And  God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery......

And Satan  giggled and created HMO's
 

A man is sitting in a plane, which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.  The dog is seated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the
second man explains that they work for the FAA. The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover; he's a sniffer dog, the best there is.  I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy."

He turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

"That's marvelous, I never seen anything like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then  comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this and asks, "What the heck is
going on?"

The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!"

Abraham, an old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff, walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "We need a name that reflects what we
are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com...and that is how it all began.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.
 
 

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real
life Dilbert-type managers.    Here are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the
disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on
purpose so I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked
him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

11. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual.  Nothing's even moving."  He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The ex-President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire.  He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house.  I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far about three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. They know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, you won't either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have had only ten disciples.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven languages.

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horsebackriding.  That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore--I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing Section in a swimming pool?

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

One day a Colonel, a Lieutenant and a Warrant Officer were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The Warrant Officer called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Lieutenant prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.

The Colonel had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into an NCO. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.

To add to the excitement, they smuggled a bottle of booze into the game, and started immediately to enhance the soft drinks they bought.

It was a good game.  There was a lot of action on the field and a lot of action in the stands.

All too soon, long before the game was over, the bottle was nearly empty.

By now, I have given you enough information to be able to tell us how far along we are in the game, and what the status of the game is.  ex:Inning? & how many runners on base?

Have you figured it out yet?